Being positive is a struggle

Today I catched myself being negative. And not just negative, I catched myself being gloomy, dark and just so down, that I had to do something about it.

If I look at everything, there is nothing that really goes wrong. I like my life, there is nothing I would like to change, but there is sooo many big small things I cannot influence, that are putting me down, that it makes me really suffer. First of all, I am really starting to be very obsessed with the diet thing. I am weight myself multiple times per day, and every small change of my weight plus is a reason for a horrible mood, whereas decrease is celebrated as a biggest accomplishment in a life. I get it is not correct, so I am trying to change that a little bit - I will try to weight myself only once a week, but I sense it could be too drastical change at this point, so maybe twice a week could be ok... I know weight is not the only important factor, I should be looking at the percentage of a body fat, the overall measures etc... But my brain does not accept it at this point.

So that is the no.1 problem that is influencing me today. I am 0,6kg more than on Sunday, but I guess it is just because of my period. Well. See - how stupid I can be? I KNOW why, but I cannot influence the mood swing. UGGGH!!! It sucks to be a girl.

Problem no.2 is at this point my work. I tolerate it. It is not the best, but definitely not the worst. I have really good salary, my office is pretty close to where I live (considering), and all is just OK. BUT. They have opened a new manager position, that I have been interested in for many many months now. And now, when it is open, I just DON'T feel it. I am not motivated, I really do not feel I want the position - point 1 - I don't have so much qualifications. Point 2, I am just not feeling like doing this. The idea is not motivating me. I want something different. I want to be HR, or something more related to administration, rather than a manager. Hell, I would be the best HR you could imagine. But not sure how good manager. So I decided not to apply, and I am actually in piece with this decision. What is worse, is that one of my colleagues will apply. And if that person is being selected, I will seriously consider changing a job. Maybe I see it really negative today, in light of other stuff, but it just feel like something I will not be able to move across.

And lastly - I have a b-day tomorrow. And to be honest, I don't feel like celebrating this year at all. Not because the age (I'm turning 28), but because I don't think there is anybody really wanting to make my day special. I for once want to feel like a princess. For most of my time, I organize my work, as I do not have on location manager, I organize our household, mostly organizing also my BF's life... And sometimes I feel like I really want him to make a day for me, that I will absolutely no idea what is going to happen, and things will happen. We will go out, have a drink somewhere, enjoy sun, go to massage, play badminton, go for a dinner, small trip somewhere... Whatever. Just want that it is not ME who makes the plan. I want to be surprised. And probably, this is the biggest issue right now. Yesterday I talked about it with him a bit, but not sure if the message get through. Probably I am just spoiled and want too much.

I think that today I should hide myself from others, not to cause any damange.

So... I know this is the safe place, where I will not bother anybody. It feels so much better to get it out of me. Don't get me wrong, I am very happy. Just probably thinking too much, making myself more misserable than I actually am.

So. Let's just focus on something positive. I do not want to be negative person. I am thankful it is a wonderful sunny warm day. I am thankful I am 6kilos less than a month ago. I am thankful I have the best partner by my side, who always helps when I ask him. I am thankful for all my family being healthy and happy. I am thankful I have a good job and good salary.

I should really do this every morning, I am sure it will help.

Sorry for writing all this, I just needed to get the thoughts out, so they don't terorize me anymore.

So now. Let's turn the day around!